We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He felt like a one man threesome
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
