OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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