My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
