I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My liver just had a heart attack.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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