At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
