Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You pole danced in your parka.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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