Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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