i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We are two peas in an std pod
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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