Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
