Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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