I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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