i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
