it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
