i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Randomize
