My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
