Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
