ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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