i barfeds in our rink
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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