she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
