i love accidental penises.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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