I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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