"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
