So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
