How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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