the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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