Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
