Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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