You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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