I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
