I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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