Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
