I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
