i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
