I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
