My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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