What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
