I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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