I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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