I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
