Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
