Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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