They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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