upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
