Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
