My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You pole danced in your parka.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
