I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
