saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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