I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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