Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
