So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
