im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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