how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
